


i guess i'm afraid of living in this world alone

by syungsyungah



Category: Shinhwa (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-12 22:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21483706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syungsyungah/pseuds/syungsyungah
Summary: Hyesung has always known he'll love Eric for the rest of his life, ever since the first time he saw him, in the same way he's always known that someday he would have to let him go.
Relationships: Mun Junghyuk | Eric/Shin Hyesung
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> (crossposted from AFF)
> 
> This has been sitting on my hard drive for three years (or more?) and I thought it should finally see the light of day. Some of the transitions aren't quite as good as I wanted and some scenes could probably be fleshed out, but it seemed a shame to keep this sitting (mostly) finished on my computer, lol.
> 
> Rating: PG/PG13  
Fandom: Shinhwa  
Pairing: Ricsyung
> 
> Warnings: I still don't really know what the point of this one is, don't read if you're looking for something uplifting, this is not uplifting, also I swear I'm not trying to trash Eric, it just ended up this way

Hyesung is 17 when he falls in love the first time. He'd thought he was in love once before, but now he knows he wasn't. Not really, anyway, because _that_ felt nothing like _this_. He wouldn't call it love at first sight–even though there is a tiny part of him that believes in things like that–but whatever it is, it's like nothing he's ever felt in his life. There isn't really anything that special about the boy standing in front of him. He's tall, but not remarkably, not much taller than Hyesung. He isn't very talkative, or exceptionally funny. He has a few unique talents and he's handsome, Hyesung can't even try to debate that, but after a little too much thinking he decides that there is no explanation as to why he'd been almost instantly enthralled by him.

The first time he tried to talk to him, it didn't exactly go well. He tripped over his words and made at least one failed attempt at a joke before he walked away awkwardly. Even so, he caught the boy looking at him later though, so maybe it wasn't a total loss because he hadn't really noticed him before and even if he was only paying attention to him now because he thought he was a loser, it still felt like a start.

Hyesung starts to regret it not long after, because once the boy notices him, he doesn't stop. The boy's name is Eric, and he's a little more talkative once he gets to know someone. Hyesung finds this out quickly but he doesn't usually mind, because it's nice not to be expected to talk sometimes. They don't end up alone together very often, but when they do, Hyesung gets nervous and tongue tied and his heart feels fluttery and he feels utterly stupid. He feels like even more of an idiot when Eric doesn't seem affected, not even a little.

Hyesung is awkward and unfunny and nervous, but those things must not matter very much because it's not very long before Eric assigns him the title of best friend. He wants to ask why, why he's been granted such a title, why someone like Eric wants him to be his best friend, but he feels like asking questions would only further prove how undeserving he is of a title like that. He's never been a best friend like this before, as he soon learns that being Eric's best friend means having Eric physically attached to him nearly all of the time and if he thought his heart was fluttery before...

Hyesung is 20 when he thinks he should have never talked to Eric in the first place. He doesn't think this very often, but sometimes they end up alone together and drunk and what he knows is wrong starts to seem closer to right in rooms dimly lit by the moon, in quiet corners of noisy bars, under metal bus shelters, and he tries. He tries to remember how terrible of an idea it is to push the boundaries he's set up between them, how he'll be the one left to deal with the aftermath, but some nights he forgets. Some nights, he gets lost in the lights, in the pounding bass of nightclubs, in the eyes of the one who calls him his best friend. Some nights, he pushes boundaries, tiptoes on the edges of lines, but he never goes too far, he always makes sure he has a way back to reality, a way to write off his actions. Reasons like alcohol or loneliness or crowded rooms, reasons why he doesn't have to apologize later. He shouldn't feel guilty, but he does.

The Problem is the same as it has been for three years. The Problem is that handsome but not otherwise outstanding boy who's now a man, a man who pulls Hyesung in with his annoying antics, his stupid jokes, his smiling eyes. The Problem is that Eric doesn't know he's a problem at all. The Problem is that he pushes boundaries too, tap dances all over Hyesung's lines, blurs the edges until he doesn't know where they stand anymore, until he only knows what he feels and what he feels is something dangerous. It's what best friends do, Hyesung tells himself. It's just what friendship is. It's not a Problem, it's just the way it is.

He's lying to himself.

He hopes he'll get better at it someday.

신화창조

One night, their friends leave but they're not ready yet, so they stay and they talk and laugh about nothing and it feels nice and normal and right until it's time to go home, until it's time to head their separate ways for the night. Hyesung feels desperate as they wait for the bus, like everything is spinning out of focus except for the boy next to him, the boy who isn't a boy anymore. Eric tells him that he should just crash at his place like he does every time this happens, every time Hyesung's head is fuzzy and his stance is unsteady. He never takes him up on it but he appreciates that he's worried about him, even if it's just because they're friends.

He's never taken him up on it before, but something feels different tonight, something makes him feel like it's the right thing to do. He's always gotten home safely before, but what if he doesn't this time? The world is a scary place, what if Eric knows something he doesn't? Wouldn't it be irresponsible to take the chance? Before he can stop himself, he agrees. He climbs onto a bus headed in the opposite direction of his place and ends up in the kitchen of an apartment he's been in dozens of times before. A kitchen that feels unfamiliar for the first time. His head is clearing up a little, but not enough because he feels like everything in the room is mocking him for letting this happen.

He throws himself on the couch and closes his eyes in the hopes that Eric won't say anything and go to bed. He thinks his wish has come true as Eric leaves the room only to return with a blanket and pillow from his bedroom a few moments later. He drops them on Hyesung's face and it takes him a minute to sit up and try to fix up the couch so he can sleep. "You can sleep with me, you know. My bed’s way better for your back than that old sofa," Eric says logically, but Hyesung's sober enough to know now that he shouldn't have come here in the first place, so he defends the sofa and politely declines the offer. "Just don't complain when your back is screwed up tomorrow," Eric requests before leaving to go to sleep in his bed, alone.

The pillow smells like him and Hyesung worries that he won't be able to sleep at all.

He cooks breakfast the next morning, even though he's a pretty crappy cook and Eric is an even crappier grocery shopper. It seems like the right thing to do in response to Eric's hospitality until he puts the plates down on the table and is faced with an impossible decision. Wait for Eric to wake up on his own and let the food get cold and even less edible or venture into his bedroom to wake him up and risk every defense he's built around himself for years. Maybe that’s too dramatic, maybe he's being ridiculous, but it doesn't change how he feels.

He tries knocking on the door frame first, but Eric doesn't even seem to notice. He almost crosses the threshold, almost crosses the line between them that's visible for once, but he's struck with a brilliant idea before he actually does. He grabs Eric's pillow from the couch and chucks it into his room. It's a direct hit and Eric sits up slowly like a zombie, hangs his head and plays with his bedhead aimlessly. Hyesung turns away, as if he's seen something he shouldn't, and calls, "Breakfast's ready," as he walks back to the table.

Eric joins him a couple minutes later and, miracles of miracles, he's wearing more clothes than he normally does at night. Bless the autumn weather, Hyesung thinks. "Hey, Hyesung?" Eric says around a mouthful of food. "You suck at cooking." Hyesung laughs and the tension finally breaks and he's so grateful, grateful that Eric still hasn't realized his true feelings, grateful that he's still acting just as he always does. "Shut up and eat it anyway," he retorts before digging into his own breakfast, which doesn't even taste that bad. Eric smiles cheekily at him across the table and Hyesung ignores the alarms going off in his head and smiles back.

Hyesung is 21 when he moves in with Eric. Not because he wants to, exactly, but because he has nowhere to live after his apartment building is sold and scheduled to be demolished. He needs a room and Eric has a spare since his roommate moved out, so it only makes sense for them to live together. Hyesung's nervous for a lot of reasons, but mostly because Eric has never maintained many personal boundaries since they became friends and now he has the proximity to ignore the walls Hyesung has built. It's as scary as it is exciting because he knows it will probably lead to trouble, but he's young and stupid trying to be optimistic.

Some nights they watch movies, some nights they play video games, some nights they split a six pack, but they always manage to pass in their own beds, in their own clothes. Until one night, a night when Hyesung comes home late after a family dinner and Eric's already home, asleep, curled up in Hyesung's bed with his head on his pillow and Hyesung doesn't know what to do. He'd grabbed a drink or three with his cousins after dinner and though the cold wind on the walk home had cleared up his head, suddenly he feels dizzy again as he tries to decide what to do next. He should just sleep in Eric's bed instead but for some reason in his weakened state, he decides to grab the blanket off the foot of his bed and a throw pillow and curls up in a makeshift bed next to his own. His head hurts but it's probably not because of the alcohol yet, so he closes his eyes and starts to fall asleep. He's somewhere between awake and asleep when he hears Eric's voice whisper, "Why are you on the floor?" Hyesung doesn't even bother to open his eyes when he replies, "Because you're in my bed."

"Only because I wanted to know when you got back," he explains. "Well, now you know," Hyesung responds, finally opening his eyes. "Your bed is comfier than mine." Hyesung rolls his eyes and regrets it because his head aches even more. "Yeah, I know." Hyesung doesn't have enough energy to demand that Eric go to his own room, so he closes his eyes and figures that Eric will get the message and fall back asleep himself. He does not expect to feel someone lay down on the ground behind him with another pillow and blanket.

"Did you have a nice time with your family?" Eric asks and Hyesung realizes he's close enough to feel Eric's breath on his neck and a shiver runs down his spine. "It was alright." Hyesung clears his throat and Eric shifts away from him slightly. "You can have your bed back if you want." Any other night, Hyesung would stand up and climb into his own bed without a second thought, but tonight his limbs feel heavy and his head is pounding and he feels surprisingly comfortable on his bedroom floor so he doesn't get up, he stays on the floor and falls asleep next to his roommate. Later on in his life, he could look back on this moment as one that changed things between them forever, but for now he's just tired and he has a headache and the only thing he wants to do is pass out on his bedroom floor so he does.

When he wakes up the next morning, Eric isn’t there and he feels like it might have all been an alcohol induced dream until he almost collides with Eric as he’s coming out of the bathroom and the look in his roommate's eyes tells him that it was real and that something’s changing between them, ever so slowly.

신화창조

Hyesung is 22 when he makes a terrible mistake. It's his birthday and his stupid friends drag him to a stupid restaurant to present him with a stupid song and stupid cake. He loves his friends, but he hates this, he hates this kind of attention and he feels like he's too old for birthdays, but his friends don't care and they force him to close his eyes and blow out the twenty-two ridiculous candles they'd managed to fit on top of a tiny cake. "Make a wish," one of them commands as he closes his eyes. Right. He's supposed to make a wish, but there is only one thing he wants right now and he’s still going to be there in front of him when he opens his eyes. As soon as the candles are out, his face is smeared with frosting and he races around the table to get his revenge.

Of course Eric's the closest person to Hyesung, he was the one who started the frosting fight after all. Of course Hyesung smears sickly sweet frosting across the side of his nose and his cheek to exact revenge. Of course they have to help each other get the frosting off their faces a few minutes later, they're best friends after all. Best friends help each other.

“Did I get it all?" Eric asks while checking Hyesung's face carefully. "Almost," Hyesung says, reaching out to wipe a bit of frosting from Eric's cheek and licking the frosting from his pointer finger absentmindedly. He realizes his mistake almost immediately and turns away slightly, hoping that Eric won't react, but Hyesung knows better than that by now. Eric is the kind of person who always has to up the ante, the one who has to push things one step further, the one who doesn't know when to stop. "Thanks," he say quickly. "You've almost got it all too, just a little more on your nose."

"Oh, really?" Hyesung starts to reach up to continue cleaning off his face, but he doesn't react fast enough because Eric leans closer to him and Hyesung feels his lips brush across the tip of his nose before Eric steps back to make sure his face is clean. Hyesung is stunned for a moment before he realizes that he'd made a mistake, one he'd made before with less intimate consequences. He thought he knew better than this, that he'd learned that he shouldn't start things, even innocently, because Eric would always feel the need to end them. He thought he'd learned his lesson the night he suggested placing bets on a video game and he'd woken up the next morning with a poorly shaved eyebrow, but on his birthday in a very public restaurant with cake on his face, he realizes he hasn't.

"There, all gone," Eric says happily, like nothing strange had happened at all, like this was something normal for the two of them. Like doing things like this was all part of friendship. Hyesung thinks one of them must be confused as to the definition of the word 'friend', but he's honestly not sure which one of them it is.

"What was that about earlier?" one of his friends texts him later. "Frosting fights are kind of a tradition, right Jinnie?" he responds. "How did you know that's what I meant if it was just about tradition?" the reply reads and Hyesung sighs heavily in the darkness of his bedroom. "Hyung, you know I'm only asking because I care, don't you?" the next message says and Hyesung replies, "Yeah. I know. Don't worry so much, okay? That's supposed to be my thing." He's starting to doze off when his phone beeps at an incoming message that reads, "Like I give you any reason to worry. But I don't mind. You're so lucky, you know..." Hyesung thinks he's lucky to have such caring friends but, for a brief moment, he also thinks he might be lucky enough for one of his birthday wishes to finally come true.

Hyesung has spent the past few months or so thinking he'll be safe as long as he doesn't start anything with Eric. No games, no jokes, nothing except strictly roommate related conversations and activities. He thinks it's working, he thinks Eric might not even have noticed. He’s too distracted with his new girlfriend anyway.

For a completely unrelated reason, Hyesung is spending his Saturday afternoon sitting on the porch step in front of his apartment building scrolling through his social media feed. He doesn’t notice that he’s not alone until he hears Junjin’s voice. “Am I late?” Hyesung looks up to see Jin check his watch as he stands in front of him. “Were you really that anxious to see me?”

“Hmm? Ah, it’s just a little bit crowded upstairs. Needed to get some air. Let’s go.” Hyesung stands up quickly and starts to walk to the spot where Jin parked his car, hoping to cut off the inevitable conversation about his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend and why he’d been sitting outside in the cold for almost an hour. “Did he make you leave? ‘Cause I’ll go up and tell him that’s not cool if you want.” Hyesung shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. “I left willingly. It’s fine.” Jin looks at him for a moment, presumably trying to decide whether or not to press the issue anymore. “Well, you know you can hang at my place if your place gets too... crowded.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s fine. Come on, we don’t want to be late to the movie.” Jin doesn’t look like he’s done talking, but he repents and follows Hyesung down the block.

After the movie, he still isn’t ready to go home so they go to a coffee shop for a while. Unfortunately, sitting and drinking coffee often leads to talking. He’s sick of talking, but Jin either doesn’t get the hint or doesn’t care. Almost certainly the latter.

“Have you told him?” he asks. “Told him what?” Hyesung replies, and for once he’s not dodging the question. “That you’re uncomfortable enough to sit outside your apartment building?” Hyesung shrugs. “Jin. I’m fine. Drop it.” Junjin raises his hands in defeat. “Hyung, I don’t want to nag you or anything. I’m just looking out for you. You know, because that’s what friends do.” Hyesung doesn’t miss the subtle dig. How could he? “I appreciate the concern. I just don’t feel like talking about my living situation anymore. What about you? What’s going on in your life?”

Finally, Junjin gives up and directs the conversation away from Hyesung and Eric and Eric’s new fling. Or whatever she is. They hang out at the coffee shop for a couple of hours before closing time. Jin drops him off at his apartment, but stops him before he can get out of the car. “You sure you don’t want to stay the night with me?” Hyesung shakes his head. “I’m fine. I’ll text you tomorrow. Don’t worry, okay? I’m used to this.”

When he returns to his apartment after several hours, Eric’s sitting on the couch playing video games like nothing’s different, like he’s been there all day waiting for him. “Wanna play a round with me?” he asks upon sight of Hyesung and Hyesung agrees because it’s just like he told Jin. He’s fine.

He’s been pretending things are fine for so long he’s starting to believe it. He’s starting to think he might be able to pretend forever but, as he has a habit of doing, Eric proves him wrong.

For once, it’s Eric who comes home drunk and stumbling at half past 3am and wakes up Hyesung as he clangs around the kitchen. Hyesung walks out of his room rubbing his eyes and watches as Eric tries and fails to open himself another beer. “Don’t you think you've had enough?” he says from the darkness, startling Eric. He glares at Hyesung and continues to try to pop the top off the beer bottle in his hand. “Don’t tell me what to do,” he says gruffly.

Hyesung’s brain is still waking up as he tries to figure out what could have happened to put Eric in such a sour mood. He’d seemed fine when he left for work, but he hadn’t told Hyesung he wasn’t coming home even though it was his turn to cook. Hyesung had ordered delivery and texted Eric to ask where he was, but he never got a response. Now, he knew why.

“You’re going to hurt yourself with that thing,” Hyesung nags as Eric mishandles a bottle opener. Hyesung walks around the island into the kitchen and takes it from him, opening the bottle skillfully and returning it. He should probably try to stop him from getting even more drunk, but he’s exhausted and he just wants to go back to sleep. He starts to turn away to go back to his room, but Eric sets down his beer harshly on the counter and Hyesung turns back around.

“What are we doing?” he laments. “What? You’re drinking and I’m going back to bed.” Eric shakes his head, frustrated. “No, I mean... what is all of this? Why does my girlfriend think she should be jealous of you?”

“I don’t know, maybe she wishes you didn’t have a roommate so you could be alone.” Actually, judging by the few times he’s met this particular girl, he’s pretty sure that’s not what she means but he doesn’t want to have this conversation with Eric, drunk or otherwise, so he’s settling for misdirection. “She thinks we’re not friends. We are friends though, right?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t meet your girlfriends anymore, if they’re going to be jealous of me,” Hyesung suggests. “Maybe I shouldn’t have a girlfriend anymore, if we’re not just friends,” he counters and Hyesung’s heart stops cold. He’s drunk, he reminds himself, he doesn’t mean any of this, and he wouldn’t remember even if he did. “I’m going to bed,” Hyesung says because he doesn’t want to make this any harder. “I guess we’re not friends then. If you were my friend, you’d care that I just got dumped out of nowhere!”

“What do you want me to do?” Hyesung is tired of worrying about fallout every waking hour, too tired to deal with Eric's confusing words and emotions. “Whatever,” Eric says dismissively, “just go.” He grabs his beer off the counter and stumbles over to the couch. Hyesung sighs, unsure of what to do. “I’m sorry you got dumped,” he say honestly as he leaves the kitchen. “You’ll meet someone better.” Eric doesn’t respond and Hyesung decides not to risk provoking him further and goes to bed.

Hyesung thinks it's amazing, the things you can justify to yourself, the things you can write off as friendship, the things you can excuse. He was never that good at making excuses before, but now he has it down to an art.

When he wakes up the next morning, his mind is still spinning as a result of his conversation with Eric the night before. He stares up at the ceiling for a while. Had Eric’s girlfriend really implied that there was something going on between the two of them? Was he really that obvious? He must be more transparent than he thought. Which, of course, begs the question... could Eric see through him too?

He’s not really looking forward to running into his roommate, but he knows he’ll have to see him sometime so he leaves the relative safety of his bedroom to make some coffee in the kitchen. Eric stumbles out of his bedroom like a zombie a few minutes later, probably roused by the smell of liquid caffeine, and he sets his elbows on the island and rests his head in his hands, groaning softly as Hyesung pours coffee into two mugs. He passes one to Eric, who looks up and stares at him with unfocused eyes for a few seconds. It’s unnerving and Hyesung’s not sure what he’ll say, but he doesn't speak, just grabs the mug from the counter and drinks it slowly.

Hyesung takes his coffee into the living room and sits down on the couch. He watches Eric for a moment as he stands miserably in the kitchen before turning on the tv and settling on some Sunday morning cartoons. Eventually, Eric pours himself another cup of coffee and plops himself down on the couch next to Hyesung. He stares at the tv for a while before saying, “I’m sorry if I woke you last night. It’s... fuzzy.”

_Of course he doesn’t remember,_ Hyesung thinks, but he still feels strangely disappointed. “You were pretty out of it,” he replies. “I'm sorry for bothering you.” There’s something in Eric’s tone that Hyesung can’t decipher, but he’s too tired to analyze him further. “I've been a nuisance when I was drunk too. It happens.”

“Yeah, but I’m really sorry.” Hyesung nods. “Apology accepted. Drink your coffee.” Eric looks a him for a little too long before lifting his coffee mug to his lips and turning his attention back to the old cartoon on tv.

Like that, somehow they fall back into their old routine. Still, Hyesung thinks Eric must be really devastated by his recent breakup because he's definitely not back to normal.

The following week, Hyesung gets assigned to a new project at work and is almost immediately buried in work, even taking some of it home on his laptop. He’s glad to have a new responsibility, and it’s going pretty well so far, but it’s taking up a lot of time and normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but Hyesung has a needy best friend/roommate who’s working reduced hours for a few weeks.

After two days of trying and failing to work on anything because of Eric’s near-constant whining, Hyesung decides to work at a coffee shop down a few blocks from their apartment. After three text messages filled with aegyo, Hyesung puts his phone on silent so he can work in peace.

Looking back, he's not sure if he should be grateful he'd neglected Eric or if he should regret it.

Hyesung hadn’t thought much of it when Eric suggested they cook dinner together and watch a movie he’d been meaning to rent for months to celebrate successfully completing his work project but as he stands in front of his closet trying to decide what to change into after work, it starts to feel out of the ordinary. Especially when he finally decides what to wear and leaves his room only to feel under dressed because Eric looks so, so good while chopping vegetables in the kitchen. This is not a date, he reminds himself, don’t make it weird.

“You went shopping,” Hyesung observes and Eric looks up at him and grins. “Can you finish chopping these so I can start on the meat?” he asks and Hyesung agrees. It’s not even close to the first time they've cooked together, but it’s making Hyesung feel weird this time as they prepare dinner silently next to each other.

He’s relieved when they’re done cooking and they sit down at the table to eat, but every time he looks up from his plate, he meets Eric’s eyes looking back at him. “Is it good?” he asks the third time Hyesung looks up. “Yeah. It’s delicious.” Eric looks like he's waiting for something more so he adds, “But it wouldn’t be half as good if I hadn’t chopped those vegetables so well.” Eric laughs, a little too loudly, and the atmosphere grows even more awkward as they finish their meal in relative silence.

Eric offers to wash the dishes while Hyesung cues up the movie and he is glad to get a little space because he’s over analyzing everything. Again. He knows this is just because they’re friends and they haven’t seen each other much lately. It’s not a date, even if it feels like one, just a little. Just to him.

Hyesung starts the movie and Eric joins him on the couch, handing him a beer and drinking one himself. The movie that Eric picked ends up being one full of action scenes and sarcastic dialogue and it's not all that great, so Hyesung figures that must be why he's caught Eric staring at him at least three times during the first half of the movie. He lets his eyes glass over and zones out as he stares at the screen and tries not to feel uncomfortable.

By the end of the movie, Eric's arm is draped on top of the couch behind Hyesung and he turns to him as the credits roll. Too close, Hyesung thinks helplessly, not even attempting to move away. "What did you think?" Hyesung babbles a response of, "It was... interesting." Eric chuckles softly. "You hated it. I'll pick a better one next time." Next time?

Eric moves in even closer, his eyes locked onto Hyesung's. "You're drunk," Hyesung tells him, desperation creeping into his voice ever so slightly. "Off one beer? You underestimate me," he refutes. "Even so, it's late and we're both tired. We should go to bed." He's still moving in closer and Hyesung is starting to feel dizzy. "There's something I want to do first," he says determinedly, but then he stops and his smile lessens a bit. "Unless, you don't want me to," he finishes softly.

Hyesung considers lying to Eric for a second, but every cell in his body is telling him not to and anyway, he's always been better at lying to himself than he is at lying to anyone else, so he doesn't lie. He doesn't say anything, he lets the moment happen and he hardly even moves, unwillingly to do anything to disrupt something he's spent literal years waiting for.

It's barely a kiss. A peck, really, but it's enough. It's enough to erase the lines, tear down the walls, to break down all of Hyesung's defenses and leave him completely vulnerable. Maybe it's meaningless and maybe this will all go up in a puff of smoke tomorrow morning, but tonight he's going to stop stressing over the future and keep his eyes trained on here and now.

Here, in his apartment with Eric's hand on his knee.

Now, as he leans back in to capture this moment before it escapes.


	2. two

Hyesung wakes up the next morning wishing he had to go to work, but it's Saturday and his job isn’t important enough to warrant working weekends so he stays in his room and listens for signs of life from across the hall.

Eric had...

Somehow they had...

One movie night and he'd ended up in The Twilight Zone, in an alternate world where Eric did the dishes right after dinner and pressed his lips against Hyesung's. Maybe it was all just a dream, because both of those things seemed equally unlikely judging by his years of experience.

Eventually, he has to leave his bedroom to pee, but he listens through the door for a minute or two in an attempt to try to figure out if Eric's woken up yet. The apartment is silent and he sneaks out of his room. After a quick shower, he towel dries his hair and leaves the bathroom to head into the kitchen to make breakfast. Feeling this awkward in his own apartment is one of the many reasons why he knew they had crossed a line they had no business crossing the night before. That's not to say that he regretted it, because Eric had turned out to be about as good at kissing as he looked like he would be and Hyesung had been wondering about that for a very long time. What he was feeling wasn't regret, but apprehension and uncertainty about moving forward.

After eating breakfast, he starts to wonder if Eric's still passed out and considers taking advantage of the opportunity to return to the safety of his bedroom once again but then he hears keys jingling outside the door. Seconds later, Eric walks through with two plastic bags in hand and looks surprised to see Hyesung standing in the kitchen. "Did you already eat?" Hyesung nods, unable to say anything because he's not sure if he's woken up in the same parallel world that he'd fallen asleep in. "Oh. I was going to cook for you." Eric sounds disappointed as he sets the bags on the island. "I guess I'll just wait for lunch." Eric leans over the island to tussle Hyesung's damp hair. "You showered and everything. I guess I didn't get up as early as I thought."

"I just rinsed off," he replies awkwardly. Eric puts away the groceries and pours himself a cup of coffee. “Are you feeling okay?” Eric asks him after a long silence. “Not awake yet or something?” Hyesung nods dumbly. “Yeah, it was a long week.” Eric nods, even though he must know that’s not all that’s weighing on Hyesung’s mind. “Want to watch some tv?” Hyesung hesitates for a moment before answering because he’s not sure what he means by that. “No, I’ve got plans to hang out with Jin.” Or he will as soon as Jin answers his text message. “Oh. Okay.”

“Yeah. Sorry,” Hyesung tells him awkwardly. “It’s fine. Maybe I can cook for you tomorrow?” Guilt is clawing up his insides and he’s not exactly sure why. “Yeah. Tomorrow I’m all yo...” He stops himself just before he says anything weird on accident. “Tomorrow sounds great.” Eric breaks out into a grin as he leaves Hyesung behind in the kitchen.

신화창조

He only debates telling Jin about what had happened for about half a second before deciding that it’s a terrible idea. Not because Jin is untrustworthy and not because he’ll judge him or lecture him about it. Just because he doesn’t want the way Jin looks at him to change. He doesn’t want the pity.

He can tell that Jin knows he’s distracted by something, but he’s nice enough not to mention it, instead entertaining him with stories about his week at work. He’s grateful to Jin, but the guilt hits him as soon as he leaves for home.

He stops at the store before going back to the apartment to pick up some sort of apology gift, even though he’s not sure what he feels like he has to apologize for. Eric looks over at him as he walks through the door and Hyesung reaches into the plastic bag he's holding and pulls out a new game for the XBOX, one that Eric's been whining about wanting for almost a month. Eric jumps up from the couch and runs over to grab the case excitedly from his hands. "Awesome! See, I knew there was a reason I keep you around," he teases. "Oh, really? Is that all?" Eric shakes his head stubbornly and kisses him suddenly, pulling back after only a couple seconds. "That too."

Hyesung's cheeks heat up and he's not sure what to do, so he balls up the plastic bag in his hand out of anxiety. "Want to play a round or two?" he asks, his voice unsteady. "Yeah, of course!" Eric bounds into the living room to set up the game and he walks into the kitchen and throws away the plastic he's been gripping tightly.

About an hour later, Eric and Hyesung are engaged in a particularly heated match while playing the new game and, for once, Hyesung is actually winning. He hits the buttons on their controller and moves skillfully to avoid Eric’s attacks, making excited noises as Eric’s health bar drops steadily. He’s about to win the round when, suddenly, he can’t see the screen. Before he can process the visual disturbance, his brain registers Eric’s lips on his own and his processing power shorts out.

Eric. Is kissing him. Again. To win in a video game. Or not?

Hyesung starts to reciprocate just before Eric pulls away, turns his attention to the tv screen and finishes Hyesung’s character off quickly. The words “Player One - Victory” appear on the screen and Eric cheers at his success. Hyesung sits on the floor against the couch, his expression blank, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. He should be angry, blow up at him, something. Anything. But his brain is still shorted out as Eric stands up to do a victory dance before heading into the kitchen to grab a beer.

“Want a rematch?” he asks as he returns with two beers and sits down on the floor. _Only if that means you’ll kiss me again,_ Hyesung thinks before internally chastising himself for not getting mad at Eric sooner. “I don’t want a rematch with someone who cheats.” Hyesung stands up from the floor. “I have to work in the morning.”

“Are you mad?” Eric asks. “Do you think you can just do that whenever you want now?” Hyesung shouldn’t have said it, but Eric shouldn’t have provoked him so they share this responsibility. Eric looks surprised at his outburst for a moment. He looks down at the floor and mutters, “I just wanted to win.” _There it is,_ Hyesung thinks. _There’s your motivation._ “Why don’t you try practicing instead of cheating?” he says before he turns around and walks to his bedroom.

He sits down on his bed and his brain starts up again to ask him, _What the hell is going on?_, but he has no answers to give. Eventually he gets ready for bed and he’s changing his clothes when his phone notifies him of an incoming text message. It’s from Eric, he knows before he looks at it. The message reads, “It won’t happen again, I’m sorry.” For a second, he thinks it’s all over and it’s all his fault, but then another message arrives. “I’ll ask first.” Hyesung sighs and he’s not sure if it’s out of relief or exhaustion.

He wants to know if Eric just wanted to win the game or if he wanted to kiss him, even just a little, but he’d never ask. He texts back, “It’s just a stupid game.” _I’m just stupid and in love with you,_ he thinks, and now he’s actually consciously thought it for once. He’s in love with Eric and he probably will be for the rest of his life, if his life up to this point is any indication. He’s the stupid one here and Eric just knows him well enough to take advantage of that.

Hyesung wishes he wasn’t mostly okay with being taken advantage of by his best friend, but somehow he’s not as upset about it as he probably should be.

Still, Eric keeps his promise he doesn’t do anything without asking first. It’s not the ideal solution for Hyesung, however, because the answer is always yes. He didn’t get upset because Eric kissed him; he got upset because of the meaning behind it, or lack thereof. It doesn’t take long for it to get old, when Eric leans closer to him before immediately pulling away and looking guilty. “You don’t have to keep asking,” he tells him, swallowing down his frustration. “Really?”

“Yes, just don’t do it if you don’t mean...” He trails off as Eric looks at him with wide, soft eyes because the direct eye contact is making him feel self conscious. “Don’t do it as a joke. It’s not... funny,” he finishes weakly. Maybe this is a joke to Eric, but it’s not to him and it hurts every time he remembers that he’s the only one taking this seriously.

“Okay. No jokes,” he agrees before he leans in to kiss Hyesung tenderly, and even though he doesn’t believe him, he squeezes his eyes shut tightly and tries to imagine that this is all serious.

신화창조

Hyesung is 24 when he and Eric have their first fight. Well, ‘first’ might be the wrong word. In a way, they've spent their entire friendship doing almost nothing but fighting. It’s more like bickering, to be honest. Jin likes to call it flirting, but Hyesung ignores him. Perhaps the reason there a little more to this than just bickering is because occasionally they didn't fight.

It started over something simple enough, Hyesung nagging Eric to do his share around the house, but it turns into a real fight when Eric attempts to distract him from his complaint by pulling Hyesung into his lap, the third time this week. He grins like he's won and Hyesung explodes. If he's honest, it's been a long time coming. He jumps up from Eric's lap. "Stop acting like I'm that easy. I have a right to tell you when I'm upset, we live together after all!" He realizes how that sounds only after he says it, but it's too late to take it back. Eric's playful expression fades slowly and he crosses his arms. "You nag me all the time. I didn't realize you were serious."

"Well, I am. So what are you going to do about it?" He shrugs. "I'll clean the bathroom later," he offers, but changes his solution upon seeing the look on Hyesung's face. "I mean, I'll clean it right now." He pops up from the couch and ruffles Hyesung's hair quickly, which is ridiculous because he's barely taller and barely older than Hyesung and it makes him feel like a kid, but sometimes he thinks it's almost worth it for the look on Eric's face before he bounds off to the bathroom.

Hyesung decides later that Eric must feel bad about pushing him that far, because he's bounding around like a giant puppy and trying to figure out what Hyesung wants him to do. Eventually, Hyesung's patience runs out and he commands Eric to sit down on the couch and stop bouncing so he can focus on the show he's watching. His roommate stays still for at least a minute before leaning over to rest his head on Hyesung's shoulder and makes a pouty face. "I'm sorry, Hyesungie," he says cutely and it's all Hyesung can do not to roll his eyes. "I'll clean up from now on." Yeah right, Hyesung thinks to himself but he can't say he isn't a little relieved that Eric feels bad for making him upset.

Hyesung knows he’s not really this upset about the state of the bathroom, he knows he’s not feeling this anxious because of the dust piling up on the windowsills, but having a real conversation with Eric about the two of them and what they’re doing isn’t an option because Hyesung doesn’t want to be the one to shift the balance between them. He knows that their relationship, or whatever you want to call it, is fragile and he’s not ready to be the one that causes it to all fall apart. Yet.

One particularly lazy Sunday afternoon a few weeks later, Eric and Hyesung are hanging out at home alone, relaxing in the living room. One minute, they were watching a news segment on how much coffee is too much and the next, they're full on making out on the couch and Hyesung thinks, _Huh, so this is what I spent college missing out on._

Eric shows no signs of slowing down, trailing his fingers skillfully up Hyesung’s sides underneath his t-shirt, but he's still stuck in his head and wondering exactly how much longer this is going to last when he should be enjoying this moment as it is.

Eventually, Eric realizes that he's holding back and pulls away slowly, keeping his hands against Hyesung's skin. "What's wrong? Too fast?" he asks. "No, no... I just need a second to... think." Eric probably doesn't understand, but he just leans his head against the top of Hyesung's shoulder and says, "Take your time."

It's not that he doesn't know where this... thing has been heading for a long time. It's not that he doesn't want to level up in their whole friends-with-benefits thing. It's definitely not that. It's that he doesn't want to rush and he doesn't want Eric to regret it, and that he definitely wants this to keep happening for a long, long time. Scaring Eric off is not the way to keep this thing from ending, but maybe Hyesung has finally waited long enough.

"Hey," he says after a moment. "Hmm?" Eric mumbles into his shoulder. "Do you want me?" Hyesung holds his breath because there's a good chance he just ruined everything, but Eric mumbles affirmatively in response with no hesitation. He takes a moment to send up a silent prayer of thanks as he wraps his arms around Eric's shoulders. "Your room or mine?" Eric pulls back quickly and looks at him intensely. "Really?"

"Really." Eric kisses him quickly, grinning against his lips. "Mine," he mutters, "definitely mine."

Hyesung's still seeing stars as he stares up at the ceiling in Eric's room and maybe he doesn't have a reason to be quite so dramatic about this, but he's trying to figure out exactly how long he's been waiting for this moment that he was convinced would never arrive.

As soon as he tries to get up, Eric stops him, holding onto his arm tightly. "Stay," he commands. "Your bed is way too small for both of us to sleep here," Hyesung reminds him, trying to sound unaffected. "Yeah. Stay anyway."

If he was better at saying no to Eric, would he even be in this situation right now? Either way, he's never been as happy to give in to Eric as he is in this moment so he stops trying to get up and stares at the ceiling again, trying to keep all of his conflicting emotions from coming out.

“You good?” Eric asks him quietly, his voice soft and low. “Yeah,” he lies. “I’m great.” Eric seems to take that as permission to fall asleep, softly snoring mere seconds later, leaving Hyesung to think about the implications of what they've just done on his own.

신화창조

He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he wakes up disoriented and kind of sweaty. Eric is still asleep, facing Hyesung, and their legs are slightly tangled underneath the sheets. He can’t believe it. He still can’t believe that he’s asleep in Eric’s bed, with hardly any clothes on and a crick in his neck because of the cramped sleeping arrangements.

To be honest, it scares him and he wishes he had insisted on sleeping in his own bed last night. He doesn’t want to wake him, he doesn’t want to look at him because he feels vulnerable and he knows that this changes nothing. Or maybe it changes everything. Maybe this is all Eric wanted from him and now it’s over.

He tries to sneak out of bed, slowly attempting to untangle himself, but Eric isn’t sleeping heavily enough and he opens his eyes, looking directly at Hyesung.

He panics and closes his eyes, pretending not to be awake yet, but it’s too late and Eric chuckles deeply. “Were you watching me sleep? How romantic,” he mumbles. Hyesung rolls over in an attempt to stop his embarrassment from getting even worse, but Eric responds by wrapping his arm around him tightly and leaning his head against his spine. Hyesung’s heart aches as he has to remind himself once again, _This changes nothing. _

“I have to go to work,” Hyesung reminds him. “Not yet,” Eric whines. “If you get up then I have to get up too.” Hyesung rolls his eyes and manages the break free of Eric’s hold, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “It’s late and I have to shower.” Eric nods. “Fine. More room for me.” He rolls over onto his stomach and exhales deeply. Hyesung doesn’t what to call this sudden rush of emotion, but he gets out of bed and tries to ignore it as he gets ready for work.

Weeks pass and nothing really changes. Eric’s still annoying during the day and annoyingly good in bed at night, and Hyesung is still stressed about their undefined relationship, to the point that he doesn’t call it a relationship out loud just in case that could break the spell.

At some point, Eric had developed a signal for when he felt like adding some “with benefits” to his “best friend” relationship with Hyesung. It was a very obvious signal that he clearly hadn’t spent much time coming up with: a winky face emoji. Sometimes it was a message consisting of just one winking emoji. Sometimes, it was a much bigger, animated winking emoji. Simple and cliched but, usually to Hyesung's annoyance, effective.

Hyesung had never used the signal himself. Even when he wanted to, really, really wanted to, there was a voice in his head telling him that it wasn't worth the risk of rejection, that someday Eric was going to decide he was done with "benefits" and demote Hyesung back to his "best friend". Or worse.

Still, after two weeks and no emoji, big or small, he's desperate enough to try using the signal himself. After five minutes spent staring at the screen, Hyesung sends the message, sets his phone down and waits.

And waits.

And waits for a knock on his door that never comes.


	3. three

Hyesung is 25 when he moves out into his own apartment. It's not because of a fight, even though they've fought more lately, and it's not because he doesn't want a roommate anymore. It has more to do with getting a raise at work and, admittedly, because of the company said roommate has been keeping lately.

He’d met a girl through one of his friends and naturally, they’d started dating. She’d come by the apartment a few times and it was reminding Hyesung of Eric’s last girlfriend and her objections to their friendship. Eventually he decided the best move was to move out and even though Eric didn’t really understand, he had no reasons to give to convince Hyesung to stay.

He doesn’t hear from his former roommate for about a month after he moves out. Eric texts occasionally, but only to make sure Hyesung’s still alive and living well on his own, and he always tell him that he is. Well, he’s at least alive. He’s lonely and he’s getting tired of cooking, but he’s mostly okay.

Jin comes over a couple times a week to drink and watch movies together so Hyesung doesn’t really feel Eric’s absence. Still, there are a few things that Eric used to do <strike>to</strike> for him that Jin can’t, so saying he doesn’t miss him sometimes would be a lie. He thinks about inviting Eric over to play video games, but he wouldn’t want his motives to be misunderstood. Eric has a girlfriend and Hyesung is trying his best to respect that.

Two months after moving into his own place, Hyesung opens the door and finds Eric on his doorstep, looking miserable and maybe a little drunk. “Hyesungie...” he whines, and Hyesung immediately knows that he’s been dumped again.

It’s not that this scenario has never crossed his mind, but he never exactly figured out what he’d do if it happened for real. He desperately wishes he had some semblance of a game plan now.

Eric wanders around the apartment slowly as Hyesung follows him silently. “I can see why you moved out. This is way nicer than my place.” That’s not even close to the reason why he left, but he’s not about to argue with a drunk Eric because he knows he’ll lose. Whenever he starts anything with Eric, he’s always the one who loses.

“I guess you must not miss me at all,” Eric tells him pathetically as he sits down on the couch, and it might just be the most ridiculous thing Hyesung has ever heard him say. “Like you had time to miss me,” he mutters under his breath. “Jin’s been hanging around a lot,” Hyesung tells him in an audible voice and he’s not sure why he said it, but Eric’s expression darkens. “I didn’t think I’d ever have to steal you away from Jin.”

“You don’t.” He hesitates for a moment. “You could have called, you know.” Eric grunts dismissively. “You could have too.” He shakes his head. “I guess you didn’t want to.” Okay, maybe that’s actually the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard him say. “How much did you drink?”

“Enough.” Eric crosses his arms in a huff. “What happened?” Hyesung asks after a long sigh. “I got lonely. Not that you know anything about that.” He knows the word “lonely” is code for “dumped”, but it’s not like he wants to talk about that anyway. “Well, whatever the reason, you’re too far gone to get home safely. You can have the couch. I’ll get you a blanket.” Hyesung stands up, but Eric immediately whines, “You’re gonna leave me all alone? You really don’t get it at all.”

“I have to work in the morning, I need to sleep.” Eric sighs exasperatedly. “I need to sleep too!” Hyesung is at a crossroads but mostly he wants to stop the whining, so he gives up easily. “Fine. But if you try to keep me awake, I’ll kick you out.” Eric nods and stands up. “Fine,” he mocks him childishly.

Once they’re in bed, Hyesung feels wide awake and increasingly aware of Eric’s presence in his bed, especially because it’s been a long time since this last happened. It’s a queen size bed but it’s never felt smaller as Eric rolls over and looks at him. Hyesung closes his eyes and tries to ignore it but it’s still getting to him so he rolls away from him. “Stop,” Eric whines. “Go to sleep.”

“I will, I just want to look at you for a minute. I haven’t seen you in forever.” That one hurts, because Eric really seems to think that it’s not his fault, that Hyesung’s reasons for leaving have nothing to do with him. Still, he wouldn’t be going through any of this if he were immune to Eric and his requests, so he rolls over for a moment and the look in Eric’s eyes takes his breath away. He hates himself for still being so affected by someone who doesn’t even seem to understand that he’s the reason for the breakdown of their friendship. “You really didn’t want to see me a little?” Eric’s voice is filled with hurt and it feels sincere to Hyesung, so he tells him softly, “I did.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hyesung shrugs. “Same reason you didn’t tell me.” Probably a lie, but he doesn’t want to go any deeper into this conversation for fear he’ll fall apart, for fear he’ll lose him again. Eric doesn’t seem to object because he rests his arm on Hyesung’s waist and moves closer to him. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Hyesung’s not sure what he’s apologizing for, but he decides to accept it anyway. He opens his mouth to respond, but Eric interrupts. “I know, I know. I’ll go to sleep.” He shuts his eyes and Hyesung can’t help but chuckle under his breath.

Eric’s long passed out, but he’s still awake and wondering if he counts as Eric’s rebound now or if the girl he’d been dating up until today was actually the rebound. He decides to stop thinking about moments later, because he doesn’t really like either option.

신화창조

Hyesung wakes up to the sound of Eric banging around in the kitchen, trying to find things in an unfamiliar apartment. He knows he won’t find much because he hasn’t been shopping for a week or two, but it still causes a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach because Eric really seems to be trying to make amends. Or maybe it’s just because he’s still drunk.

Hyesung washes his face and runs a brush over his teeth before wandering into the kitchen. He finds Eric staring defeated at the inside of the refrigerator, leaning on the door. “How about delivery?” Eric turns to look at him apologetically. “I really wanted to cook something for you, but...”

“I usually shop on the weekends.” Sort of. More like every three or four weekends, but the last thing he needs is Eric worrying about his eating habits. “I guess I’ll just have to thank you some other way.”

“Are you sure that’s not more of a thank you for you than it is for me?” Eric shrugs. “You can decide after I’m done thanking you.” Hyesung rolls his eyes to cover up the fact that he’s blushing. “Give me five minutes to call in an order.” Eric nods. “I’ll clean up the mess in here.”

Hyesung calls in a breakfast order before he calls in and tells his boss he’s taking a personal day, and just like that, they fall back into their own routine of... being thankful.

Eventually, Eric’s staying over most nights and it sort of feels like the old days. Hyesung didn’t think he’d ever feel nostalgic over something like this, but it happens anyway. He thinks he’ll have to confess to Jin since he’ll find out eventually, but he’s conveniently preoccupied with his own relationship drama and work so it never comes up.

It takes a few weeks before they start fighting again. Hyesung knew he shouldn’t accept when Eric invited him to a movie, but it was starting to feel weird because they were spending all of their time together in Hyesung’s apartment. It felt hidden, and people only hide things that are wrong, so he liked he idea of going outside together. For a moment, it was thrilling; buying movie tickets together, sitting down in a row in the back of the theater, sharing popcorn while they waited for the previews to start. Soon, however, Eric had noticed one of his ex-girlfriends sitting down a couple rows in front of them with, presumably, her new boyfriend, and the evening had quickly gone down hill from there.

It started with Eric making snide comments about the man she was with and culminated in a confrontation in the hallway outside of theater three. Eric and his ex had shared a heated exchange while Hyesung and 'Eric’s subpar replacement', as Eric referred to him, looked at each other apologetically a few feet away.

“Well, you sure don’t waste any time,” Eric had remarked. She had responded, “Like you have any right to say that to me. You’re not here alone either, you know!” For a brief moment, Hyesung had wondered if she had really seen them and judged that they were together, wondered if it was really that obvious, but he decided that if it was, it was because of his actions and not Eric’s.

“What are you talking about?” Eric exclaimed. “Don’t pretend like this is the same thing! I’m only here with him because I don’t have anyone else to bring!” All of the air in Hyesung’s lungs was forcefully released and he looked down at the ground. “I didn’t come here to show off to you. I had no idea you’d be here. You’re free to believe what you want, but I’m not the one who’s in the wrong here.” She turned away in a huff, followed by her uncomfortable boyfriend. Eric tugged at his hair out of frustration and barked to Hyesung that it was time to go.

It’s been about half an hour by the time Eric parks in front of Hyesung’s apartment building and turns off the engine. Hyesung says, "Drive carefully," before he opens the door. "Aren't you going to ask me to come up?" Eric asks. "I'm not in the mood." He hasn't gotten over what happened at the theater and he’s not planning on getting over it any time soon, and he knows better than to expect Eric to take responsibility for it. All he wants is to go up to his apartment and fall asleep before he can overthink everything. More than he already has. "That's not why I was asking," Eric says, offended. "I’m trying to make up for lost time. We didn’t see each other for so long—”

"And whose fault is that?" Hyesung explodes. "I'm not the one who forgets about our friendship every time he gets a girl to date him!" Eric grips the steering wheel. "You'd do the same thing if you got a girlfriend!"

"No, I wouldn't!" _How is it possible that you don't understand?_ he thinks weakly. "Well, I'll guess we'll never know, now will we!" Hyesung had felt the physical force of words earlier this evening, but somehow it didn’t feel quite like this. "And yet, you still don't get it! And you never will!" He gets out of the car quickly, slamming the door and power walking to the door of his apartment building. For a moment, he thinks that Eric might try to follow him, but he hears an engine start up from behind as he walks through the doors and knows that Eric's just as upset as he is. Although, probably not for the same reason. He knows exactly what he wants from Eric but he has no idea what Eric wants from him, so it’s hard to see how those two things could be related.

As soon as he walks into his apartment, he sits down on the couch in a huff and rests his head in his hands. How did he let it get to this point? He should have turned him down when Eric suggested going to a movie; he shouldn’t have ignored his instincts. It's not like anything good had ever come out of going on dates that weren’t dates, but he missed Eric, even more than he'd been willing to admit until he'd shown up on his doorstep late at night, brokenhearted and looking for comfort. Comfort that Hyesung was always foolishly ready to give him. If he had just stopped this sooner... but now it seemed like it was too late and he was helpless against Eric's charms and stupid plans and not-dates.

Every time his phone goes off he thinks it might be from him, but it never is. Then again, Eric's rarely been the first to apologize when they'd had a fight and he seemed unlikely to start now. However, Hyesung knows he's not wrong for being upset and that he's the one who keeps getting hurt by their definitely-not-a-relationship-and-yet-definitely-something, so he's not willing to be the first to apologize. Maybe this is how it's destined to end between them, nearly ten years of friendship ended by their extreme stubbornness.

They don't have any contact for almost two months. Hyesung is tempted to call him and apologize on more than one occasion, out of loneliness or something of the sort, but he resists the urge and, he assumes, so does Eric. Or maybe he's not even tempted at all. Hyesung doesn't know anymore and he's trying not to care.

For a while, he thought they might run into each other somewhere, since their apartments aren't very far apart and they share most of the same friends. But Hyesung's busy with work and Eric's probably busy with some new girl so the awkward encounter in the grocery store that he'd imagined never happens. It does happen eventually, however, and even though he'd seen it coming, he's powerless to stop it.

It's Junjin's birthday party and while Hyesung would never miss it since he and Jin had been friends for a decade and a half, he also knew that Eric would be there. And he knew that Eric knew that he'd be there. Still, he could never skip out on Jin, especially considering that he didn't know most of the things that had been happening between him and Eric for months, or maybe years now. Asking him to rescind Eric's invitation would have been even weirder if he couldn't even tell him why, so he shows up at the party despite his instincts and hopes that Eric will be too wrapped up in work or a girl to bother showing up to his ex-best friend's best friend's birthday party.

Why does he bother hoping for anything in the first place? It's always wasted effort in the end.

Eric's already sitting at the table when he arrives at the restaurant and he looks so, so good, slightly dressed up in slacks and a well-fitted blazer. Hyesung considers walking out before Eric can see him for a brief moment, but then Jin comes up behind him and hugs him tightly. "All of my friends together for my birthday," he grins. "This is the best present ever!" While he's not trying to guilt Hyesung into staying, because Hyesung hasn't even told him what going on between him and Eric, the only option he's left with is faking sick and going home early. Still, he knows Jin will beg him to come to karaoke after they finish eating and he doesn't think he'll have the heart to turn him down since he hasn't seen him smile this brightly in months.

Eventually, he settles for focusing all of his attention on Jin and hoping Eric doesn't try to start anything that he can't put a stop to. He keeps feeling Eric's eyes on him, but he resists the urge to look at him. If he looks at him, they might end up talking, and if they end up talking, he might apologize even though he's not willing to apologize because he didn't do anything wrong.

He wasn't planning on hiding in the restroom, but that's basically what ends up happening. Staring into the mirror, he wonders why he's even there. He's deliberately trying not to make it weird, but Eric clearly has no intention of doing the same and now he's hiding in the bathroom during his best friend's birthday party like a loser.

As he tries to prepare himself to go back and join the celebration, Jin walks into the bathroom and finds him standing at the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. "Hey, I was worried you might be sick or something," he says. Hyesung turns to look at him briefly before looking back into the mirror. "Are you okay?" Hyesung hasn't known the answer to that question for years. "I'm fine," he replies dismissively and Jin crosses his arms. "Hyung, I've known you for too long to believe that. What's going on?"

"Eric and I had sex," he confesses suddenly, not looking away from his reflection in the mirror. "Yeah, and?" Jin's not shocked by any means, but it's still not the kind of confession he was expecting Hyesung to make on his own. "You could at least pretend to be surprised," Hyesung mutters. "I mean, it was bound to happen. When?" He shrugs. "A while ago. For a while. Not lately." Jin leans against the wall next to the sinks. “So... was it, like, bad?”

“What?” Hyesung squeaks, turning away from the mirror to look at Jin. “Of course not.” Jin crosses his arms lazily. “Okay, if it's not that, then... what's the problem?"

"We had a fight because I'm not sure he wants the same things I do." That's probably an understatement, but he's confessed enough for now and decides to downplay the rest of the story a bit. "Like... what? What do you want?" He looks down at the sink and mumbles, "More. I want more." Not a terribly specific answer, but he knows Jin will understand. They always understand each other, even when one of them isn't willing to give up all of the details. Usually Hyesung. "So, have you... told him that?" Jin asks. "Nah. I know he doesn't want more. If I get too greedy, he'll... stop."

"And you don't want to stop, even though you're not happy?" Jin's confusion is understandable but he's not in the mood to try and explain how long he's wanted Eric, in any capacity, no matter if it destroys him. "No, but it's probably too late for that now anyway."

"Do you want me to talk to him?" Hyesung shakes his head. "I don't want to mess up your friendship with him. That's why I didn't tell you. I thought you might get upset with him." Jin's shoulders slump in acceptance. "You still should have told me. I thought we were closer than that."

"We are, but you know I suck at opening up about that kind of stuff, even to you." Even back in middle school, he'd never told Jin about anything going on in his love life, and not just because there wasn't much to report and not because he was afraid that Jin would judge him for his cliched crush on the class president. Just because... he felt ashamed of himself for having stupid, unattainable crushes in the first place. He was sure Eric was yet another crush for the history books, but then Eric had kissed him when he was barely even tipsy and everything had changed. Well, almost everything.

Hyesung thought things might have changed for the better, but now they were hardly even friends and it was increasingly clear that their own pride was more important to them than their friendship.

"Don't worry too much, Jinnie, I'll figure it out. So, how about that second round? Karaoke?" Jin hesitates for a moment before responding, like he's not convinced that Hyesung will actually be okay. "You don't have to come if you don't want to..." Hyesung cuts him off quickly. "I wouldn't miss it. Let's go."

Hyesung starts drinking as soon as they get to the karaoke room and he doesn't stop until he feels confident enough to stand up and sing with Jin. It's not easy to pretend he's enjoying himself, but he doesn't want Jin to spend his birthday worrying about him so he tries his best. Eric's not drinking or singing, just chatting in the corner of the room with some of his friends. It kind of pisses him off, but he's trying not to look at him at all.

He must look a little tipsy by the time everyone's ready to leave because Jin pulls him aside outside on the sidewalk and asks, "Do you want me to take you home?" He shakes his head, immediately feeling dizzy. "Nah, I'll just get a cab. I'll be fine." Jin looks skeptical as Eric and the rest of his friends file out of the karaoke room, all varying levels of drunk. "I'll take him home," Eric volunteers suddenly, overhearing their conversation. "We live in the same direction." Jin looks to Hyesung for confirmation and he nods. "I'll get a cab, just go home."

Jin tries to make up an excuse to take him home, but Eric doesn't seem drunk at all so he eventually gives in. "Text me when you get home. Promise?" Hyesung promises and everyone heads in the direction of their apartments, which all happen to be in the opposite direction from his and Eric's. "I'm just going to get a cab. You can get your own," he says curtly, not looking at Eric. "I'm sorry," Eric says. "What?"

"I'm sorry. For those things I said to you. Let me make it up to you." Eric sounds so sincere and all of Hyesung's resolve to ignore him melts away. "Why, 'cause you wanna hook up?" Eric shakes his head. "'Cause I miss you."

"Oh." Really, his willpower has never been much to brag about, but when it comes to Eric, he's not sure if he has any at all. Eric hails a cab and opens the door for him. "So? What do you say?" After pretending to think about it for five entire seconds, he climbs into the cab and slides over to the other side to make room for Eric. Eric tells the cab driver his address and they set off toward home.

It's awkward in the cab and even more awkward when they finally make it to Eric's living room. Hyesung looks around at the apartment he used to call his own and realizes that not much has changed. It's a bit messier, but not as bad as he was expecting. "Did you hire a housekeeper?" he asks as Eric sets his keys down on the table next to the door. "Nope. I guess you were a good influence on me." The look in Eric's eyes is making his heart ache. "Check out the bathroom, it's even cleaner than out here."

"I don't want to." Eric's brow furrows at his tone. "Okay... want to watch a movie?" he suggests, but Hyesung shakes his head slowly. "Did you really miss me?" Eric nods, stepping closer to him. "Yeah. I did. A lot. What about you?"

"I miss you right... now." It feels a little too honest and he's not even sure what he wants. Well, actually, he can think of a couple things. Eric leans in quickly and kisses him tenderly, and Hyesung can feel his heart breaking, agonizingly, because every time this happens, all he can think is that it means they’re one step closer to the edge, one stop closer to their destination, one kiss closer to their last.

“Does it help if I do that?” Eric asks after he pulls away, his eyes earnest as they search Hyesung’s for an answer. “It’s a start,” Hyesung replies softly. "Is there anything else I can do to help?" Hyesung takes another step closer to Eric, not breaking eye contact as he does. "Just... don't push me away." He’s going to do it, he’s going to kiss him and block out everything else, but then he hears Jin’s annoying voice in his head before he can. _You don’t want it to stop, even if you’re not happy? _

He takes a step back and Eric looks at him curiously. “Can you make me happy?” he asks quietly, as if Eric could possibly know the answer to that question. “I’m trying,” he responds, but Hyesung knows he still doesn’t get it. “Can you give me more than this?”

“I’m trying,” he repeats. Hyesung knows they’re still not talking about the same thing, but it’s late and he’s been drinking and he missed him, he missed him so fucking much that he doesn’t care. He did his best, he tried to have a real conversation and now all he wants is to stop talking. “Try, then,” he says as he moves back in to kiss Eric eagerly, hungrily, because he feels like he’s been starving for months and he needs so much more than this.


	4. four

Hyesung is staring up at the ceiling instead of sleeping because his thoughts are trying to swallow him alive. Again. He thinks Eric’s passed out, like he always is after they hook up, but he’s soon proven wrong when Eric breaks the silence to ask a random question.

“If you could forget me, would you?” Eric’s voice is soft and unsteady and Hyesung isn’t sure he heard the question correctly. “What?”

“If you could erase me from your memories, would you?” Eric says, restating the question. “You’re wondering about that right now? Did you watch some weird sci-fi movie again or something?” Hyesung feels uneasy as he tries to shrug off the uncomfortable topic of conversation, but Eric doesn’t seem to notice, or care. “Wouldn’t it be easier for you if you couldn’t remember me?”

“Easier? I don’t think anything is easy. Everything is hard. Life is hard.” Hyesung continues to dodge the question and Eric’s voice grows a little louder. “But it is easy for us, sometimes... isn’t it?” Hyesung shrugs. “Like when?”

“Like right now. When it’s dark and you’re confused and annoyed by my dumb questions. Isn’t this... kind of easy?” Hyesung rolls over and tries to look at Eric in the dark because he can’t figure out why he’s suddenly saying such things. “It’s easier than some things, I guess.” Eric closes his eyes and sighs softly. “What about you?” Hyesung asks, concerned about what the answer might be but knowing that he’ll probably never have another chance to ask if he misses this opportunity. “Hmm?”

“If you could erase me, would you?” Eric shakes his head immediately. “No.” Hyesung cross his arms. “Really? Not even when I stole your food when we were living together? Or when we have stupid fights and refuse to talk to each other for weeks? Don’t you ever think it might be easier if we’d never met?” Eric shakes his head again. “Never.” Hyesung rolls his eyes and relents. “Fine. I guess I’ll have to take your word for it.

“But," Eric begins, lowering his voice, "I guess that means you have. Right?” The silence that follows is awkward to say the least as Hyesung struggles to find the right words. He doesn’t want to say anything hurtful, but it’d be more hurtful to lie. “I... I mean, yeah. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s not... easy.” He feels embarrassed to say it, but he’s tired of pretending this isn’t slowly killing him. “It’s not... it’s not really your fault, you know? Life is just... not easy.” Eric doesn’t say anything for a while, lying completely still next to him. Hyesung’s decided the conversation is over and prepares to fall asleep before Eric opens his mouth again. “I’m sorry that I make things harder for you.”

“I make things hard for you too,” Hyesung says and Eric snorts. “Are you making a dick joke right now? In this kind of atmosphere?” Hyesung shoves Eric’s shoulder suddenly. “You’re the one with a dirty mind.” Eric reaches out and pulls Hyesung closer to him. “Is it even a joke if it’s true?” Hyesung chuckles. “This may be the weirdest conversation we’ve ever had,” he points out. “Can’t even blame the alcohol. I didn’t even finish one drink.”

“Yeah, that was all us.” Eric looks at him softly before leaning in to kiss him tenderly. “Yeah. It’s all us,” he confirms as he pulls away slightly. The uncomfortable feeling that Hyesung always gets when Eric says things like that, things that could be taken the wrong way, is settling in his stomach again so he closes his eyes tightly. "Enough of that, roll over and go to sleep," he commands and Eric rolls over on his side, facing him.

He wants to ask what this all means. He wants to ask if anything’s changed, but he already knows the answer so he doesn’t bother. Instead, he just looks at him for a minute, trying to make out his features through the darkness, trying to savor whatever Eric’s willing to give him.

신화창조

It’s almost crazy how easy it is for them to pick up where they left off every time they have a fight, every time they goes months without speaking. That’s the only part of this that’s easy, in Hyesung’s opinion. No matter what they do to each other or how much they fight, nothing ever really changes between them. It’s as nice as it is heartbreaking and he’s not even sure what he wants from all this anymore. Maybe he doesn’t want anything to change. Maybe he just wants things to stay like this for the rest of his life.

He’s not expecting it when Eric sends him a text asking him to go on a trip to meet his family for the long weekend. His initial reaction is to decline the invitation, but he feels like this could be the start of impending change between them. In the end, he agrees to go, but he regrets it a bit on the nearly silent car ride he has to endure.

It’s awkward to say the least, meeting Eric’s family. He’s nervous and uncomfortable and terrified that they’ll be able to see his feelings for Eric written on his face. “This is my best friend, Hyesung,” Eric says with a smile and his mother responds with, “Oh, we’ve heard so much about you!” as she hugs him tightly. He has no idea what Eric could have told his parents about him, but he figures it can’t have been anything much if they’re still this happy to meet him.

One of Eric’s older sisters is at the house with her daughter when they arrive and Eric spends the rest of the evening entertaining his niece, playing games and telling silly jokes and ignoring Hyesung. Not that he’s hurt by it. He probably hasn’t seen his whole family in a while.

It’s nothing much at first but by the end of dinner, Hyesung’s chest is aching as Eric chases his niece around the living room while his mother cautions them not to break anything. It’s not the first time he’s thought about it, the future. Marriage, kids, dogs and a nice house. That’s what normal people want, right?

Hyesung suddenly realizes he must not be normal after all.

But Eric is. It’s obvious, now more than ever. He wants a normal life, he wants kids he can chase around the yard, he wants a mortgage and a car payment and flowerbeds or whatever it is that people are supposed to want from adulthood.

Even if Hyesung wanted that kind of a life, he’s never going to be the person who can give that to Eric, no matter what happens. It hurts, but it’s not a surprise either. The end has been looming since the beginning and he was an idiot to think that this day would prove to be anything more than confirmation that it’s almost over.

They get ready for bed in Eric’s room and he apologizes for ignoring him in favor of his niece. “It’s fine. You looked like you were having the time of your lives,” Hyesung tells him. “It’s more fun than talking at the grownup table. My mom didn’t even get a chance to make me feel guilty over not being married yet.”

Some people say that words can’t hurt you, but those people must be heartless because it feels as though there’s a gaping hole in Hyesung’s chest and it hurts like hell.

“Don’t even think about sleeping on the floor, okay?” Eric tells him abruptly and Hyesung nods in defeat as they finish getting ready for bed and turn out the lights. They lay in the dark on their backs, and somehow the mere inches separating them feel like miles.

"You know I love you, right?" Eric says quietly after a few minutes as he looks up toward the ceiling of his childhood room. Hyesung's chest aches at the sudden confession. He's not sure if it's real, if Eric really said those words, or why he would say them now, only two rooms away from his sleeping parents. Not that he's ever counted on Eric to make sense or to act logically, but he's still confused. More than that, he doesn't know how to respond. After a silence that drags on a little too long, he whispers, "I know." Eric rolls over onto his side, facing away from Hyesung and the gaping wound in Hyesung’s chest just keeps on growing. He can’t explain why, but somehow he just knows that this is the beginning of the end for them and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

신화창조

Hyesung has always known he'll love Eric for the rest of his life, ever since the first time he saw him, in the same way he's always known that someday he would have to let him go. He'd suspected this moment was looming the second Eric had mentioned a girl he'd met at work with a giant grin on his face and admiration in his eyes. He’d known for certain when Eric had downgraded him, when he’d been introduced as simply “my friend, Hyesung”. He'd known in that moment that he was going to be replaced. Even though he knew it was inevitable, he was really hoping it wouldn't have to be like this.

They’re lying side by side in Eric’s bed, as far apart as it is possible for two grown men to be in a double bed. Still, there isn’t really anything so unusual about that and Hyesung is suddenly reminded of all the other times they’ve spent together in each other's beds. Sometimes to watch a movie, sometimes because they passed out there after drinking, sometimes because they were lonely, sometimes because they just... wanted to. Sometimes because Hyesung just... wanted to.

Hyesung is studying patterns on the ceiling and Eric is clenching his fists and releasing them over and over again. He hears Eric take a deep breath so he closes his eyes and prepares himself for the words he’s known were coming for months.

Even so, they hit him like a punch to the gut.

“She said she’d marry me.” Simple and totally expected yet completely devastating. “Congratulations,” he croaks, his throat suddenly paved with gravel. It hurts. His throat and his chest and the part of his hip that is touching Eric’s. Everything just... aches. “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”

“I mean it,” Hyesung replies, his voice a little stronger. “I know how much you like her,” he says. _I know she can give you everything that I can’t,_ he doesn’t say. “When?” he asks and Eric swallows. “Next month.” Hyesung clears his throat because it’s still constricting painfully. “That’s soon.” Eric nods. “But why wait?”

“Yeah. Why wait.” Hyesung closes his eyes, burying his emotions and repeating, _You knew this would happen,_ over and over in his head like a mantra, a chant, a prayer. “You’re the first to know besides... besides her, of course. I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.” In the end, intentional or not, he made sure Hyesung couldn’t blame him for anything, not one goddamn thing. Not even something as meaningless as that. “Thanks,” he says shortly because he’s in too much pain to converse, or to pretend that every nerve ending in his body isn’t screaming at him. The silence hangs over them, heavy and uncomfortable. Eric slides his legs over the side of the bed and sits up slowly. Hyesung doesn’t open his eyes until Eric’s standing in the doorway, like he’s still expecting something else to happen, like he didn’t get the reaction he expected, the reaction he wanted.

“If you hurt her, I’ll hunt you down,” he threatens Eric, though his heart isn’t in it. _If you hurt her like you hurt me, I’ll kill you myself,_ he thinks, but keeps that threat locked away in his mind. “Wouldn’t expect any less,” Eric says with a grin as he leaves the room and Hyesung closes his eyes once more, the pounding in his head only aggravated by the bright sunlight beaming through the bedroom window.

신화창조

Hyesung downs a shot, setting it on the table with a bang. “Geez,” Jin asks, “what happened to you?” Hyesung takes another shot, slamming it down on the table again. “I think I’m actually in love with him.” He’s probably not quite drunk enough for this kind of confession, but he knows he probably won’t be telling him anything he doesn’t already suspect. “Your ex-roommate, I presume?”

“That’s the one!” he confirms loudly, reaching for yet another shot of soju. “Have you told him that?” Hyesung laughs wildly, his emotions mixing up and churning painfully in his chest. “Like it would matter.” Hyesung’s expression falls as he looks across the table at Jin seriously. “He’s getting married. In a month. Or less. He didn’t give me an exact date. Guess I’m not invited. Some kind of best friend he is.” Jin’s eyes are kind and filled with a little more pity than Hyesung would like. It’s not that he doesn’t know he’s pathetic, but it’s hard to pretend he’s fine when people look at him like that. “It’s fine, my loss.”

“His loss,” Jin corrects him quickly. “Sorry, Jinnie. I guess I’m not drunk enough to believe that yet. I’ll try harder.” He lifts his arm shakily and orders another bottle of soju as Jin sits across from him, concerned but not enough to forcibly stop him and drag him home. Yet. “It’s not like I didn’t see it coming,” he continues after taking another shot. “That doesn’t make it easy, hyung.” Hyesung shrugs, unable to look at Jin any longer. “Are you going to drink with me or just keep staring at me like I’m a wounded puppy?” Jin grabs the song bottle and pours a shot for each of them. “That’s better,” Hyesung says, trying to grin but it comes out more like a grimace. “Less talking, more drinking.”

It takes Jin half an hour to convince Hyesung to leave the bar and then another fifteen minutes to successfully get him back to his apartment. Hyesung is uncooperative to say the least, and he can’t stop babbling on and on about Eric and his new fiancée. “What has she got that I don’t?” he exclaims as Jin struggles to drag him through the doorway. “Wait, don’t answer that, I really don’t want to think about it.”

Jin wrestles him onto the couch and sternly tells him, “Stay,” while he goes to grab a glass of water from the kitchen. Once he returns, he gets Hyesung to take a few sips before he sets the glass on the coffee table and hunches over slightly, hands on his knees. “I mean, if that’s what he wants, then I guess it was never going to be me anyway.” The pity on Junjin’s face is about to carve a permanent cavern in the middle of his forehead and Hyesung doesn’t want to look at it anymore, so he stands up from the couch and stumbles into his bedroom.

He nearly makes it to his bed before he collapses onto the floor in the dark and tries to hide his tears as they fall steadily down his cheeks. A moment passes before he feels Jin rest a hand on his back comfortingly and that’s when the tears turn to sobs, overtaking him. He should have stopped this, he should have known better, he shouldn’t have gotten so attached. The end was as sudden and inevitable as the start, but Hyesung thought he much preferred beginnings.

신화창조

He doesn’t remember falling asleep in a heap on the floor of his room but he does remember how much he drank, thanks to the pounding headache, and how much he cried, thanks to his puffy and swollen eyes that stare back at him in the bathroom mirror. When he comes out of the bathroom, Jin’s waiting for him in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and a sympathetic expression. Hyesung thinks he’s lucky to have a best friend like Jin, but he also decides that phrase will leave a sour taste in his mouth for the rest of his life. From now on, he thinks, he’ll just call him his brother instead. Besides, Hyesung knows better than most what being someone’s best friend can mean and that’s certainly not the way he feels about Jin.

“How are you feeling?” Jin asks quietly. “Worse than I look,” Hyesung grumbles as he takes the coffee cup from his hands. Jin looks at him pointedly as he takes a long sip of coffee. “Say it,” Hyesung commands when he doesn’t look away. “Is he really worth all this?”

“Who?” Hyesung replies, feigning ignorance uselessly, but Jin has always known who, and so have the rest of his friends, and probably more than a few restaurant employees and bartenders. “He’s not good for you,” Jin reminds him. “I’m not good enough for him.” Hyesung sits down on his couch and leans his pounding head back against the wall. “Do you really think you’re the problem here?” Jin asks, his voice rising in volume slightly. “I should have known better. I... I did know better, I just... ignored it.”

Hyesung didn’t think he was the problem at first. He put that responsibility on Eric and his handsome face and his stupid jokes and his warm eyes but somewhere along the way he realized that he was the one with the power to stop the impending disaster and the fact that he didn’t was certainly enough to make him the actual problem. The actual problem was him, for falling in love with someone who would never fall back in the same way, at least not for long. The Problem was Hyesung and that wasn’t the fault of anyone but himself.

“None of that really matters unless you keep letting it ruin you. I’ve never seen you like this, hyung.” He can see the pity and sadness in Jin’s eyes creeping up again and he feels even worse for making him worry. He was supposed to be the one taking care of Jin and he’d been neglecting that for years now. “I just need more time. I’ll be over it soon.” Hyesung sets his coffee cup down on the table and attempts to fix his hair with his right hand. “Promise me it’s over?” Jin asks, holding out his pinky finger. “It’s over,” Hyesung confirms, reaching out to seal the promise with his own pinky.

“You’ll meet someone better,” Jin says after another moment of silence. “I don’t want to,” Hyesung whines, mostly because his head feels like it’s about to explode. “Okay, but if you ever decide you want to, you will,” Jin says finally. “Whatever. I'm going back to bed.” He stands up slowly and picks up his coffee before returning to his bedroom as Jin watches on with a worried frown.


	5. five

After that night, Jin hangs around at Hyesung’s apartment more than usual and keeps him from spiraling into an even deeper depression, dropping by with coffee or dinner or a six pack because he was ‘in the neighborhood’. Sometimes he’s already sitting on the couch when Hyesung gets home from work. He figures Jin must not have much of a personal life either if he’s always free to pretend he’s just dropping by every evening. They make quite a sad, lonely pair, he decides.

As the next few weeks pass by, Hyesung is still miserable and Jin is always hovering. Always. He can't remember the last time he was alone and awake at the same time. Even though he knows it's out of love, it's still driving him crazy. It takes an insane amount of convincing, but he manages to send Jin home early after showing him all of the work he'd brought home to do over the weekend. “You know I can't work around distractions. Even you,” he'd reminded him and Jin had finally given in. “Okay, but call me if you need anything.”

“Yes, of course. But I won't need anything,” Hyesung says as he ushers Jin out of the door. Finally, he sits down on the couch with his laptop and breathes a sigh of relief. He'd make it up to Jin later, but for now he was thrilled to sit alone in the silence of his apartment.

It's getting late by the time he finishes up and he closes his laptop and sets it on the coffee table, but it’s Friday night and it would be a shame to go to bed, so he turns on the tv and flips through the channels for a while.

Not long after midnight, he's starting to doze off when his doorbell rings. Repeatedly. He thinks it must be Jin at first, but the ringing never stops and he starts to have a bad feeling that gets even worse when he opens the door.

It's Eric.

Of course it's Eric.

He doesn't know what to say and he doesn't get the chance to figure it out because Eric takes one look at him and collapses, leaning against Hyesung with all of his weight. It takes all of his strength to keep both of them from toppling to the ground as he drags Eric inside and closes the door.

“You smell like you drank an entire bar,” he grumbles, shuffling over to the couch and shrugging Eric off of him. “Bachelor party,” Eric mumbles. Of course. “So, where are the rest of your friends?”

“I told them I had to run an errand. They're on their third bar.” Eric takes a second to reposition himself on the couch and lays his head against the top of the couch. “They were having too much fun. It was no fun.” It's not nearly the first time Eric's babbled drunkenly on his couch, but it used to be normal. It's not normal anymore. Nothing is normal anymore. “So, am I your errand?”

“You're my best friend!” he exclaims, his words stabbing Hyesung's heart. “You're supposed to be my best man and have fun with me at my bachelor party and make sure I don't screw everything up at the wedding!” Hyesung can't take it anymore. He's so tired of this and he's the one who should be upset; he's the one who deserves an apology. “I'm not your best friend! I'm not your anything. Eric, don't you get it? This isn't my fault! I'm not the one who's getting married! I'm not the one who ruined things between us! I'm not the one who kissed you, remember? You kissed me!”

Literal years have passed since that day, since Eric had changed everything between them, but somehow it feels like even longer. Decades. Millennia. Eons.

“None of this is my fault. I didn't do anything. you were the only one who got to decide what our relationship was and when I was allowed to be with you and when I wasn't, so don't you dare try to turn this around on me!” Eric's expression finally changes as Hyesung's words finally break through. “I'm sorry,” he says weakly. “I wanted to tell you that, but I just keep fucking it up. Everything.”

“Do you even know why you should be sorry? Do you know why we can't be friends like that anymore? Do you know why Jin's decided I shouldn't be left alone ever again?” After years and years spent holding everything inside, it was bound to come out eventually, all at once. “And you know what the worst part is?” he asks, his voice raising in volume instinctively. “You're totally messed up and you're getting married in less than 48 hours and I have every right to be upset with you, I have every right to hate you for all the shit you put me through, but somehow I still want you!”

The silence that follows is deafening and neither of them move for a long time. If he doesn't stop now, he might say something he'll regret even more, so he runs a hand through his hair and sighs deeply. “You're getting married on Sunday.” Silence. “Right?” he demands. “Right,” Eric admits softly. “Then you have to give me space, because it's not fair to keep showing up at my door. It doesn't change anything, it just hurts me even more. Just looking at you is killing me, so you have to stop showing up. For my sake and for hers.”

Eric stands up from the couch unsteadily and slowly walks to the door, without saying a word. He pauses in the doorway and says, “I'll leave you alone from now on,” before he exits Hyesung's apartment.

And, finally, Hyesung really falls apart. It's been a long time coming and he can't stop shaking as he sobs pitifully on his living room floor. It's really over. Everything. So much time and effort for nothing. All of that to end up shattered on the floor of his apartment, falling apart because of a boy, a stupid boy. Isn’t he too old for this yet?

He eventually passes out on the couch and that’s where Jin finds him the next morning. “I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone,” he says, sitting down on the couch as Hyesung sits up and rubs at his swollen eyes. “He showed up drunk,” Hyesung mutters in explanation. “And?”

“And it’s over.” Jin rolls his eyes. “You’ve been saying that for a month. Maybe I should go and talk to him. I’ll tell him never to bother you again.” Jin’s expression is hard and Hyesung shakes his head. “No, Jin, that’s not necessary. I told him to give me space and he will.”

“Hyung, look what he did to you. Am I really supposed to let him get away with it? Again?” Hyesung sighs and rubs his swollen eyes. “I did this to myself. I had to be the one to end it or I never would have been able to move on. It’s over, he won’t be back. He’s getting married tomorrow. It’s over.”

“You promise? It’s really, really over this time?” Hyesung nods slowly. “It’s really, really over. All that I have left to do is to try to forget and move on with my life.” Jin relents, uncrossing his arms as his expression softens. “Okay. I’m trusting you, but if you think I’m leaving you alone this weekend, you’re wrong. Understand?”

“I understand,” Hyesung replies weakly. “Okay. I’m gonna cook you some breakfast and then we’ll go find something fun enough to distract you from all of this. Get washed up and put some clothes on while I cook.” Jin pats him on the shoulder before leaving the bedroom and Hyesung smiles despite himself. Who could feel bad for long with a friend like Jin by their side? Certainly not Hyesung.

Sunday comes and goes just the way it normally does and Jin confiscates his phone so he can’t browse social media. He’s grateful, even if it’s making him feel a bit like a child. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, he doesn’t want to think about it anymore, and Jin is very respectful of that.

Eventually, Jin has to go back to his own life and Hyesung has to go back to his. He’s trying to process everything, but it’s too much. Still, he has friends that he can depend on and work that he can bury himself on. It’s hard not to think about it and it’s hard not to feel lonely when it’s late and dark and cold, but he has no choice left but to try his best to move on. It’s not a choice as much as a necessity, but he’s going to try his best regardless. It’s not an ending, it’s a new beginning, he tells himself, and he chooses to believe it.

신화창조

It’s been a year since Eric’s wedding and Hyesung is finally starting to feel like he’s letting go of the past. It’s not that he’s forgetting; that’s probably impossible and even if it’s not, forgetting might mean making the same mistakes again and that’s not something he’s willing to do.

He’s trying hard to move on, forcing himself back into the dating scene after one of his coworkers asks him out during their morning coffee break. He's not everything Hyesung's ever dreamt of and it doesn't feel like his heart will beat right out of his chest when they're together, but Jihoon is nice and comfortable and, most importantly, Not Eric, so it's not like Hyesung has any right to complain. He's not deliriously happy or anything like that, but he's content and he always knows where he stands with Jihoon. Even when they disagree, even when one of them walks out after an argument, even if he sees him laughing with some girl from work.

He's not scared to kiss him and he can tell him he loves him on a whim and it's comfortable. Maybe it's not as easy to talk to him about nothing and maybe they don't have that much in common and maybe he's not hopelessly attracted to him, but maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe it's good to be in control of his faculties sometimes. He’s getting too old to be ruled solely by his emotions and hormones anyway.

Jin doesn't like him much, but he keeps his dislike to himself because Jihoon has never done anything to hurt Hyesung on purpose and he'll keep his objections inside unless he does. After all, all he really wants for Hyesung is for him to be safe.

He hasn't heard from Eric since the night of his bachelor party and he's relieved. Their lives were headed in totally different directions and the only option Hyesung had was to move on. He still hears about him sometimes from Jin, because Jin is friends with Eric's childhood friend Andy and naturally he comes up in conversation now and again.

"You're not still talking to him, are you?" Jin asks out of the blue one night as they drink at Hyesung's apartment. "Not in over a year. Not since he got married." Jin nods. "Why are you asking? Did something happen to him?" Jin's obviously disappointed by his concerned reaction to the mention of Eric, but he just sighs. "He's fine. Andy told me they're gonna have a baby and I didn't want to keep it from you. But I thought you might already know."

Hyesung downs a shot. "I didn't. We don't talk anymore. I still can't... forget it or whatever... but I'm trying. I'm trying to put it in the past and leave it there." Jin pours him another shot and eyes him carefully. "I know, but it's not like you told me right away when you guys were like... having a thing, so I thought you might be keeping it from me on purpose."

"I don't do that anymore. I only did it back then because I knew it wouldn't last and that you'd worry. But there's no need to worry. He's busy with his family and I've got work and Jihoon and you, so... I don't even have time to think about him. Really." Occasionally, he thinks about him, but he’s really trying not to. He’s doing his best and Jin knows that. “I think you’re so much better off now, but what I think doesn’t matter unless you feel the same way. Do you?” Hyesung stares at his shot glass before picking it up and looking at Jin with a soft smile. “Not yet. But I’ll get there.”

(However, if you were brave, or perhaps stupid enough to ask him if he would erase Eric from his memory if he could, the answer would be, as it always has been, a resounding no.)


End file.
